Jokes

Did you here about the dyslexic driver who came to a T junction and did a U turn?

LOL!

Life is like a box of chocolates.

Shit if you're diabetic.

Did you hear about the fat man what got stuck on the toilet pan in the disabled toilet?.....
They had to lift him off using a crane!!

And did you hear about the driving instructor that eat all day?
It got has he couldn't get back out of the car!!
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APPLEE THE ALEX ADAMS FAN!

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your muffin.”

“I know,” she replies. “I’m gonna get tits too.” man walks into a vets with his sick dog vet picks the dog up looks into its eyes and says ” i’ll have to put him dow” the man is upset he says ” why is he really in pain” the vet replies ” no he’s just heavy!

Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."

A beautiful young girl is lying on a hospital bed waiting to be taken up to to the theatre for some minor surgery. She's been waiting for ages until finally a man in a white coat comes in. He looks at her chart briefly, before lifting up her hospital gown and examining her naked body.
He goes out of the room for a second before returning with another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations. They mutter something to each other then walk out of the room and return with a third man.
When he starts to examine her, the girl starts getting impatient.
"All these examinations are fine, but when are you starting the surgery?"
The first man shrugs his shoulders. "No idea love. We're just here to paint the hallway"

How does it change many dyslexics to take a light-bulb?

How many phsyciatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?


Only one, but the lightbulb must want to change.

What's got two legs and bleeds ?




Half a dog.

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leapt to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a pound in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"