Jokes

Unlikely Things To Hear In A Restaurant

"This tastes a bit salty. But now I've earned my meal, I'll start with the soup."

"Welcome back Madam, and I see you've brought your husband this time."

"I recommend the cheese board, under one of these table legs, that should stop it wobbling."

"I recommend the £90 bottle of wine, but then I am on commission."

"Crunchy on the outside, soft and gooey on the inside; I don't know how that cockroach got in your lunch."

"I knew it was a mistake to bring Bruce Forsyth to this sushi restaurant; he's trying to make me memorize everything on the conveyor belt."

"I'm afraid we're out of English wine-we had to unblock the drains.

"Here are your oysters, caviar and champagne, Mr Cameron. How did your "We're all in this together" speech go today?"

"I'm afraid the chef is ill with diarrhoea - but never mind, he left us this Brown Windsor Soup."

"The chef's surprise, Mr Henderson? He's shagging your wife in the Kitchen."

"The chef will stop serving at nine - he's going somewhere nice to eat."

Why do 18 year-old chavs take sex education lessons?
To find out what they've been doing wrong for the past five years.

Somebody sent me "gabn" in a text message yesterday. I thought that's bang out order.

Police are looking for a robber with honey, walnuts and filo pastry smeared on his face. A witness said he was wearing a baklava.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one. She was livid. “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

Old lady names are back in fashion again. Names like Lily or Elsie or Rose. We wanted something like that for our daughter, but we couldn’t decide; so in the end we just called her Nan. I reckon she’ll grow into it.

I stopped in a lay-by and there was a sign said No Dumping. That was alright as I was just having a piss . . . so it didn’t affect me.

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

If Bing Crosby was great, imagine how good Google Crosby would have been.

When my girlfriend suggested we try playing doctors and nurses I was really hoping for something sexier than being left in a corridor for 2 days.

My cousin always introduces himself as "Stephen with a PH" and that's 'cos he's slightly acidic.

I could tell it was a Monopoly board from the word go.

Malcolm X chose that name, rather than admit he'd accidentally put a kiss at the end of a text message.

"Red sky at night, light of shorter wavelengths being dissipated through water vapour and atmospheric dust.
Red sky in the morning, same."
Not as catchy as the original but a lot more accurate.

I'm still a bit shaken up. I was involved in quite a violent mugging the other day. On the plus side I did make a few quid.

I just heard on the news that gangs are now using dogs instead of knives.
I tried this and my toast was very hairy.

When I was older, I used to love playing around with time machines.

Some guy knocked at my door this morning and asked me if I've ever considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, "No, I'm quite happy with food."

Just joined PornTwitter.
I've got nearly 400 swallowers.

The instructions on my microwave meal say 'stir and recover'
How tiring do they think stirring actually is?

A man was hiking up a mountain when he spotted a woman standing at the edge of a cliff, sobbing her heart out.

"What's the matter?" he called out.
"I'm going to kill myself" she replied.
"Well" he said, "if you're going to jump, how about giving me a blow job before you do it?"
"I guess I might as well," she wailed. "My life's been nothing but misery."

After she had finished, the man said: "Wow! that was great! Why are you so depressed anyway?"
She replied: "My family disowned me for dressing like a women."

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I phoned the Weak Bladder Helpline about my problem. It's 1p a minute.
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Last night I dreamed I was the author of Lord of the Rings...
I was Tolkien in my sleep.

Since getting my new Kindle, I have absolutely no idea how to judge a book.

If Beer is proof that God loves us, hangovers are proof that he has a sadistic sense of humour.

A man went to the pharmacy to inquire about a Viagra pill. "Will I be able to get it over the counter?" he asked. "Possibly" replied the pharmacist, "but you might need two."

Women are like wine: you can only afford the cheap ones with big ugly boxes that leak.

A man's wife was moaning at him for calling her fat. She yelled: "It's not my fault. It's in my genes."
"Not all of it is" he replied.

Women can be much like volcanos - ready to blow at any time, but probably never will.

A woman said to her husband: "Show me your feminine side."
"Okay" he replied, and walked out the door.
When he returned fifty minutes later, she snapped: "Where the hell have you been?"
"I've been parking the car."