Jokes

Don't take your worry to bed with you - make her sleep in a separate room.

I quit my job as a postman. They handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought: This isn't for me.

My mate starts a new job in Seoul next week. He thinks its a great Korea move.

An Australian wedding was in full swing, but one of the guests Joe, had been delayed and arrived late. When he finally reached the hotel, his mate Stew was just leaving the party.

"I wouldn't go in there in if I were you mate" warned Stew. "There's bound to be trouble. They've run out of beer and the best man has just rooted the bride."

So Joe decided to turn back towards his car, but just as he was about to leave another guest came out of the hotel and shouted:

"Don't go fellas. Everything's sorted. There's another keg on the way and the best man has apologised."

Unlikely Things To Read On A Motorway Sign

Due to a second sunny day in a row, all roads to the coast are blocked solid.

Caution - school ahead. Speed up now, or you'll look like a perv.

Services ahead - last chance to be ripped-off for 20 miles.

To save energy these lights have been swit-

Hot blonde in convertible - 500 yards ahead.

Come on you wuss, you can go faster than that.

Football fans - last chance to moon for 5 miles.

Accident ahead - you're too busy reading this sign to notice the lorry in front of you has stopped.

Cheap petrol five miles ahead...fooled you.

Don't read this sign, keep your eyes on the car in fron- Oh crap.

Tiredness kills - take a break. Not now you idiot - pull over first!

Remember - turn your lights on, if you want people to join you when you're dogging.

Strictly No U-Turns - unless you're in a coalition government.

I was once cast as Oliver in a silent interpretation of Oliver Twist.
It was brilliant, I couldn't ask for more.

Tiger Woods never lied to his wife. Whenever she asked where he was going, he said: "To play a round."

My ambition is to go to the four corners of the globe planting horse chestnuts. It's my plan to conker the world.

The army made a man out of my neighbour. They paid for the operation and everything.

It's always difficult texting someone to tell them one of their loved ones has passed away, especially when your name is Lol.

A basketball player and a jockey robbed a store yesterday. Police are looking high and low for the suspects.

Daughter: "Mum could you make me a ballerina's outfit please?"
Mum: I have no idea where to start, but I'm sure I can put tu and tu together to make you one.

I always like to impress girls by telling them I have a flat on Park Lane. I tend to leave out the "on my mountain bike" bit.