Jokes

Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your credit card.


To give his wife a break during the school holidays, a husband agreed to take his young daughter into work for a day. When they got home in the evening, the little girl said: "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"

Aware that his wife was listening, the husband said: "Well, it's because my secretary works really hard. I'd be lost without her. I guess that's why I call her a doll."

"Oh" said the little girl. I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you laid her on the couch."

Realizing to her horror that she hadn't got anything in for her husband's dinner, an elderly woman raided the pantry in search of something suitable. But all she could find was a tin of cat food an onion and a potato.

So she mixed the onion in with the cat food, heated it up, served it with chips, and watched her unsuspecting husband devour it. Afterwards he said it was the best thing she had cooked him in ages and he wanted to know when he was going to have it again. So for the rest of the week she gave him cat food and chips for dinner.

When she told a friend about her husband's unusual tastes, the friend warned: "You can't keep serving him cat food. You'll kill him." Sure enough, the following week the husband died.

"I told you all that cat food would kill him" said the friend.
"It was nothing to do with the cat food" said the wife. "He died when he fell off the fence."
"What was he doing up there?" the friend asked.
"Trying to lick his arse."

   

Badly worded newspaper ads :

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Ears pierced - while you wait!

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

See ladies blouses. 50% Off!

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

An owner had a racehorse that had never won a race. Finally the owner lost patience and warned the horse: "Either you win this afternoon or you'll be pulling a milk wagon tomorrow morning."

That afternoon, the horse was lined up with the others in the starting gate. As the stalls opened, the rest of the field raced away, but as the gate was removed, the owner saw his horse fast asleep on the track.

Angrily he ran over, kicked the horse and yelled: "Why the hell are you sleeping?"

The horse wearily lifted its head and replied: "I have to get up a three in the morning."

Unfair Contest :

Unlikely Medical Labels

Possible side effects: there are lots but don't worry. If you're on these things you can't have long left anyway.

Please take it anally five times a night. (Then you should be ready for the tablets).

Fuck! You haven't swallowed this have you? Arrgghhh!

Medicinal cannabis. For qualified patients only. Use twice a day if you can be arsed. Take with nachos and a Mars bar whilst listening to Frank Zappa.

Highly flammable or is it inflammable? I can never remember. Arrggh! My eyes!

Place leech on wound. Bite down on wood. Bend head for insertion of drill.

Massage in gently, starting with the hair, then work the shaft, cupping the balls with other hand.

Stool sample inside. If you like it, we can get you four for your kitchen.

Take nasally (preferably using a £20 note and a hooker's tits)

Obesity pills. See if you can find room for four of these a day. Lard-arse.

Take with food. See inside for serving suggestion, recipes and wines that compliment the Dexmedetomidine.

Avoid contact with...everyone (you freak).

A Dime a Dozen

While visiting a retirement community, my wife and I decided to do some shopping and soon became separated. "Excuse me," I said, approaching a clerk. "I'm looking for my wife. She has white hair and is wearing white shoes." Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded, "Take your pick."

Dream Home

We'd finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. "I'm afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel," he said. My middle-aged wife put him at ease. "Don't worry," she said. "They'll only look once."

Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man came to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doctor, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yes, none of us could get the jar open."