Jokes

A CNN reporter covering the Middle East heard a story about an elderly Jew who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to prey twice a day, every day, for a good number of years.

So she went to the Wailing Wall and after waiting around for an hour or so, she spotted him. When he had finished his prayers, she approached him for an interview.

"Sir" she asked, "how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"
"Forty years."
"Tell me, what do you prey for?"
"For peace between Jews and Arabs; for all the hatred to stop; for all of our children to grow up as friends."
"And how do you feel after doing this for forty years?"
"Like I'm talking to a wall!"

A man goes to heaven with two friends. When they get there they see ducks everywhere. St. Peter informs them that they can do whatever they want but don't step on the ducks. A week goes by and one man steps on a duck. St. Peter comes out with this ugly woman and says " this is who you will spend eternity with". A month later the second man steps on a duck. St. Peter shows up with a hideous woman and says "this is who you will spend eternity with". After a year the third man hadn't stepped on a duck and St. peter shows up with a gorgeous woman. The man can't believe it and says " what could I have done to deserve such a beautiful woman". The woman says "I don't know all I did was step on a duck"

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the other boys would constantly tease him. They would always say he was dumb. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime, Johnny would always take the nickel -- they said, because it was bigger.

One day, after Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know that the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face.


Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it. So far I've saved $20!

An elderly couple are attending church services.. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband. It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
--------------------------------------------
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

One day a blonde and brunette were watching a soap opera on television. On the show, there was a girl standing on a bridge. The brunette turned to the blonde and said, "I bet you $5 that she's going to jump off that bridge." The blonde agreed to the bet. The girl in the show jumped off the bridge, and the blonde handed the brunette the $5. Then the brunette felt guilty and said, "This is a re-run I already saw, I knew she was going to jump." Then the blonde replied, "I saw it before too, but I didn't think the girl would be stupid enough to do it again!"

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....
She in the upper bunk and he in the lower.
At 1:00 AM , the woman leaned down and gently woke the man saying, 'Sir, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' he replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'
'Ooooh, ok!' she exclaimed.
'Good,' he replied. 'Get your own D*mn blanket.'

What's hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, starts with a "c", ends with a t", and has a "u" and an "n" in the middle? - A coconut.

What does DAM stand for? - Mothers against Dyslexia.

Everyone knows two wrongs don't make a right, but what did two rights make? - The first aeroplane.

A police officer saw a blonde crying in the street. "What's happened ma'am" he asked.

She sobbed: "A thief has just stolen £50 that I had hidden inside my panties."

"Did you try to stop him?" said the officer.

"I didn't know he was after my money!"

Why did the private investigator always have a lump of earth strapped to the side of his head? - He liked to keep his ear to the ground.

A man was reported to animal welfare authorities for feeding Viagra to his pet Labrador. The man is now banned from keeping any pets - and the Labrador is now a pointer.

A man was advised by his doctor to start running. He wasn't ill, he'd just caught him in bed with his wife.