Jokes

A woman answered the phone one afternoon and the voice said on the other end said: " This is Daybury School, I'm afraid to have to tell you that your son's been telling lies."

The woman replied: "Well, tell him he's bloody good at it, because I haven't got any kids!"

I'm so hungry, I haven't eaten anything for 3 days, yesterday, today and tomorrow...

A man was trying to carry out repairs to the edge of the roof of his house. It was a tricky operation, which required delicate balance.

He crept steadily along the roof until the damaged area was within reach, but just then the roof gave away beneath him and he plunged to the ground, landing right next to three women who were deep in conversation.

As he laid battered and bruised on the ground, one of the women turned to him and said: "You've been eavesdropping."

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
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The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
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When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.
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Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

after I tell a joke, I like to hear big belly laughs from people with big bellies, and small titters from people with... never mind...

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.
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It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

What do Lumberjacks like most on the Internet?
Logging on and off.

The Lawn Tennis Association's website is down. Apparently they're having problems with the server.

Show me a man who claims to be a medieval stringed instrument, and I'll show you a Lyre.

Why do Nuns have flat hair?
Force of habit.