Jokes

There are only three things certain in life, death, taxes... and getting "does" and "dose" mixed up...

Paddy sees Mick in the bar with a Rottweiler sleeping at Mick's feet. 'Does your dog bite at all Mick?' Asks Paddy
'No' replies Mick
Paddy starts petting the Rottweiller and the Rottweiller nearly rips his arm off 'I thought you said you dog doesn't bite' screams Paddy.
'That's not my dog' replies Mick.

I thought I’d tell you a good time travel joke – but you didn't like it.

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I fear my neighbour may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last night on her computer. I saw it clearly through my binoculars.

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I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”

So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

That’s about as far as I remember.

I can't believe it took me so long to find out what "gullible" means... person born with more than 2 penises... glad I'm not gullible...

Paddy in Wetherspoons:
"How much is your lager?"
Barman: "£2 a pint and £7 a pitcher"
Paddy: I'll just have a pint, fuck the photo!"

Have you heard of the Millwall FC bra?

No cups & very little support!

Bought my wife a fridge as a present, you should have seen her face light up when she opened it!

without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams film is Mrs Fire...