Jokes

There was a knock at my door the other day so I answered it.A six foot beetle called me a fat twat and punched me in the face.

Apparently there's a nasty bug going around!

Me to Dr: I’ve hurt my penis in a surfing accident Dr: Did you fall off your board Me: No I slammed my laptop shut when the wife walked in

I got fried form my job as a poorf redaer, I wasn't not god at it

The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade and a slice of orange in the same glass is gonna get a punch.

You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody? That's common sense leaving your body.

Little girl gets lost in asda. Security guard asks her 'what's your mum like?' Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'

Breaking news.. Donald Trump has announced that he’s going to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese. He wants to make America grate again!

Man goes to the doctors with a lettuce sticking out of his bum.

"Tell me Doc is it serious?"

Well sir this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Just won my first cage fight.....Budgie didn't know what hit it!

I had my birthday last week so my wife bought me one of those exercise smart watches. So far I've wanked 15 miles.