Jokes

Man:"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?" Waitress:(slaps his face) "The men I please are none of your damn business!"

For those of you who don't know how to satisfy a woman.
The G spot is located at the end of the word Shopping.

I told my mum I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'I'll give you an audition but I'm not promising anything.'

My girlfriend asked me to buy some pills, so that I could finally get an erection.

I bought her some diet-pills.

I was having sex with a girl earlier. We did it doggy style and I lasted thirty minutes. That's 4 mins 30 secs in human time.

Did you know you were supposed to pull anal beads out slowly? Well, I didn't. I've just started the wife up like a chainsaw.

A young woman started work in the small English Village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
 
The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own so she had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.
 
"Look" he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms; they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".

The first day was fine, but on the second day a large black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said "350" please.

The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.

She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the chap's legs.

"Yes!" she shouted down the phone. "He's got one hanging there!"

The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3-50 ...he's the window cleaner!"

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES
 
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
 
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
 
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
 
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
 
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
 
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
 
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
 
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
 
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognised it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink". They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.
The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore".
At this point, he realised the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look" she said "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, but only to discover that she couldn't.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip... a little more and again was unable to take the step.

After becoming quite frustrated and embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more in order to allow more leg room to get on the first step of the bus.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus,

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends.