Jokes

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not matching set, 1 for 15, 2 for 30 or a special offer of 3 for 40, love

My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried? Apparently "balls deep in your sister" wasn't the answer she was expecting.

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live alone by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, in the bedroom, living room, kitchen, bathroom, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, like
doggies, every position imaginable!"

Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky plonker. Was she pretty?"


"Dunno... never found the head!"

A man received the following text from his neighbour :
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around, In fact, more than you.
I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife in the head and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn predictive text. I meant "wifi", not "wife"

I was on the computer last night and my wife asked me "what are you doing"
"Looking for cheap flights" I replied
"Oh darling you're wonderful" she shrieked excitedly, and started kissing me,
Well we tore each other's clothes off and had the most wonderful sex we've had in years.

As we lay there afterwards i happened to remark "that was an unexpected reaction........you've never shown any interest in my playing darts before".

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor.
He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground..
As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.
'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect.
Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'

A police man knocked on my door & told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes I thought.. Can't be my dogs they don't own bikes

Just met a girl with 12 nipples! Sounds fun, dozen tit.

I was asked if i was into psychiatry, I said, "I'm a-Freud not, I'm too Jung"

Knocking a full drink over as an adult is the equivalent of letting go of a balloon as a child.