Jokes

Be yourself! Be yourself!

Why the fuck does everyone keep telling me to 'be myself' when I'm on a date??

If I was actually 'being myself' I'd just start masturbating furiously under the table.

a princess is walking by a pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and sees a reaaly ugly frog.picking up the frog,she comments on the poor creatures hideous appearance"you really are a very ugly frog"she says"i know"replies the frog"i got a really bad spell put on me"the princess says"well,ive seen frogs with spells on them before,but none as ugly as you"the frog says"just leave me akone,its a really bad spell"the princess replies"even so,if i give you a kiss will you turn into a prince?"the frog says"i dont know,a spell this bad it will probably take a blow job"

what do you call a german gynaecologist?
hans upperfanny

jeremy clarkson quote

speed has never killed anyone.suddenly becoming stationary,thats what gets you.

jimmy carr quote

"how price concious do you have to be to pick a 99p store?,i guess with poundland yur just paying for the label"

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital wearing an
oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a
difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him partial sponge
bath.

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles
black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir.
I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about
his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back
the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes
a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says
very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very,
very closely......

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back ? '

Four nuns are stood outside the gates of Heaven. An angel comes down the steps and asks:

"Have any of you ever sinned?"

After a long silence, the first nun steps forward.

"I have sinned," she admits. "I once looked at a man's penis."

The angel points to a font of Holy Water next to the gates.

"Bathe your eyes in the Holy Water," he tells her. "Your sins will be forgiven and you may enter Heaven."

The nun walks over, rubs the water over her eyes and the gates open, allowing her inside. Soon after, the second nun steps forward.

"I too have sinned," she confesses. "I once touched a man's penis."

Again, the angel points to the font of Holy Water.

"Bathe your hands in the Holy Water, your sins will be forgiven and you may enter Heaven."

The nun walks over, washes her hands in the water and the gates open once more, allowing her inside.

As the third nun steps forward to confess her sins, the fourth nun cuts her off and shouts "I have sinned!"

The angel, a bit surprised asks "Why did you cut her off like that?"

"Because," the nun replies. "I would prefer to gargle the water before she sits in it!"

Jesus is walking past the gates of Heaven when he notices an old man walking through. Jesus goes over to the old man and strikes up a conversation with him. Eventually Jesus says:

"Tell me all about your life on Earth..."

The old man replies:

"There really isn't much to tell... I was a humble carpenter in life who had nobody to call family. Then one day, by way of a miracle, I was blessed with the gift of a son... and though that child was not my own flesh and blood, I loved him as though he was..."

Upon hearing this, Jesus burst into a flood of tears. He flung his arms around the old man and cried "Daddy!"

The old man, slightly surprised, hugs Jesus and replies "Pinocchio?"

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7. He replied "I still love Vista, baby".

"why did the monkey fall out of the tree?"

"because it was dead!"

a guy called a pub, the barmaid answered the phone:
he said"could you tell if my friend michael!!...michael hunt is there" " he answers to mike"
the barmaid replies "ok just wait!" she goes to the crowd in the bar and shouts "has anybody seen mike hunt????" the crowd in the bar replies
" no babe but i wouldn't say no!!!!" mike hunt(my c..t)