Jokes

I woke up with a face full of rice.

I must have fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pilau.

Heard about the dyslexic drug dealer?

Tried selling me an 'F'

I think my wife sells drugs?

As I was leaving the phone rang.

When I answered it the bloke on the other end said "has that dope gone yet?"

I spent ages trying to cross a busy road...

A passer-by said, "There's a pelican crossing up the road".

I replied "I hope he's having better luck than me"

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a rodger.

I was scrambling out of my jeans, when she explained she wanted someone to help pay the rent!.

In light of the proposed merger between Asda And Sainsbury's it has just been announced that Poundstretcher and Marks & Spencer's are to merge too.

It will now be known as Stretch Marks.

I went back to the card shop yesterday and said, "Do you sell bereavement cards?"

"Yes we do." replied the assistant.

"Good," I said, "could I exchange this 'Get Well Soon' card for one?"

Wish me luck.

I'm off to speak to the bank manager today, and if things work out for me my life will change dramatically - I'm talking millions here.

I'm so excited I can hardly get this balaclava over my head.

Went to the Doctors today complaining of strange voices coming from my underpants.

The Doctor said, "ignore them, they're talking bollocks"

Doctor: "Have you been getting enough exercise?"

Me: "Does sex count as exercise?"

Doctor: "Yes."

Me: "No!"