Jokes

so im guilty...
guilty of laughing at a dead baby joke...
in my defense.
it was a funny joke.
told at the funeral in front of the mother

I had an operation last week to remove a mole from my dick .....it's the last time I try to fuck one of those again.



When I was a teenager I was up in my bedroom when my dad walked in & said " Son you better stop all this wanking or it'll make you go blind!!!" I replied "Dad I'm over here!!!".



I was drinking in a pub near where I work the other day & when I went to the toilet I noticed a sign on the toilet door 'Beware of homosexuals!' & so I continued to proceed on. As I went to wash my hands I noticed a sign on the mirror 'Beware of homosexuals'. Completely ignoring it as I went leave I noticed a sign on the skirting-board & as I bent down to look at it,it said 'You've been fucking warned twice!!'.

Two ants are running across the top of a cereal box
One shouts "why are we running so fast?"
The other shouts back "because it says Tear across the dotted line"

I remember fondly when I took my first girlfriend home to meet my parents,my girlfriend had buck teeth,tourettes,bad breath,hook nose,bug-eyes,scurvy,undershot jaw, warty chin,jug ears,a bald head,hunch-back,a hairy chest,knobbly knees,hairy toes, club-foot & rickets.My dad pulled me aside in the kitchen & said "that girlfriend of yours is a bit plain isn't she",I said "there's no need to whisper dad she's deaf".



I have to admit I have a bit of a sick sense-of-humour & that I used to play snap (for money) with a guy that stutters.

My dwarf friend got fired from his low paying waiter job.

He was struggling to put food on the table.

I made a rocking chair today.

It wasn't meant to rock, I'm just shit at woodwork.

Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me.

In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.

With all the troubles in the world what with Trump,Russian hacking,Climate change etc it is worth reflecting on the death of one of the biggest pioneers of the music industry that almost went unnoticed last week.Larry LaPrise the man who wrote 'The Hokey Cokey' died peacefully at the age of 93.The most traumatic part for the family was getting Larry in the coffin, they put his left leg in & then the trouble really started.

What does Donald Trump's hair & a thong have in common ? They both barely cover the asshole.

There was a terrible story in the papers last week about an 60 year old man found beaten unconscious in his own home by a group of thugs whole stole his savings,jewellery & shoved a vacuum cleaner up his arse. Although the man suffered a horrendous beating apparently the doctor's claim he is picking up.