Jokes

I slept like a baby last night...

I spent half the night crying and then shit myself.

My ex texted me, “Wish you were here.”

She does that every time she walks through a cemetery.

Dating is a lot like fishing... Sure, there's lots of fish in the ocean, but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

Ad in the newsagents window

Yodelling classes 7.30 tonight

Please form an orderly, orderly, orderly queue.

I just took my calculator apart..... It's what's inside that counts

Doctor....."How often do you exercise?"
Me....."3 Times"
Doctor....."A week? A Month?"
Me....."I have given my answer!"

The family of World famous inventor Whitcomb L Judson who invented the zip have announced that Whitcomb is to receive a posthumous peerage.His family announced they want him to be known as 'Lord of the Flies'.

A man walks into a take-away & looks up at the menu which has 'Hot-Dogs £2, cheese-burgers £3,kebabs £4 & hand-jobs £5' to which the man turns to the female assistant working behind the counter & asks her "are you the one that gives hand-jobs?".The assistant gives a sly wink & pout & says "yes I do" to which the man replies "well wash your hands you dirty cow as I want a cheese-burger!".

My grief counsellor died the other day...

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.

If you're feeling cold this winter, then go stand in the corner.... They're usually ninety degrees!

Our zoo only has one dog.... It's a Shih Tsu!