Jokes

A passenger plane lands at Glasgow airport, and after coming to a halt, the captain does his customary speech but forgets to switch the intercom off.

The copilot asks the captain what he has got planned for the rest of the evening, and the captain replies “First up, I am going for a shite, and then I’m gonnae ride the arse off that new wee stewardess”, unaware that every passenger has heard him.

The wee stewardess is mortified and starts to run up to the cockpit to confront him, but trips and falls right before the cockpit door.

A wee Glasgow woman helps her up and says “Take your time love, he’s going fur a shite first”.

Sorry but I really need to vent here....

Yesterday I experienced the WORST customer service at a shop in town. I don’t want to name the store because I’m not in the habit of rubbishing people or businesses. (Even if they do deserve it).

Two days ago I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it, took it home and found out that it didn’t work. So yesterday, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the store and asked if I could have a refund.

The girl in the store told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt. I then asked if I could have a free replacement instead. Again she said no.

I then asked to speak to the manager as I was by now really not happy. I explained that it had been just 24 hours since I had bought the item, got it home and that it didn’t work. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was “out of luck”.

No refund, no free replacement...Grrrrrrr.

I tell you what.... I am never BUYING another SCRATCH LOTTERY TICKET from there again.

Paddy was telling Mick about taking his first parachute jump. “When I got to the door, I couldn’t jump. My 6’7 man mountain instructor unzipped his fly and drops out 14” and says “if you don’t jump, you’re gonna get this baby up your arse”.

Mick says “Did you jump”?

Paddy says “A bit...when it first went in”.

My friend's wife bought a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up their sex life. She put them on, together with a short skirt, and sat on the sofa opposite her husband.

At a strategic moment she crossed and uncrossed her legs until her husband finally noticed and said "are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Yes," she answered seductively. "Thank christ for that" he said, "I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa"

A man walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm.

Bartender asks him "What's up with the octopus?"

He responds "£1000 says my octopus can play any instrument you put in front of it"

Bartender says "Alright, lets see it. Have it play the piano in the corner"

The guy puts the octopus on the piano and it plays it, beautifully.

People start bringing it other instruments, guitar, trumpet, accordion, it plays everything with ease.

Then someone places a set of bagpipes in front of it. It pokes around, turns it over, lifts up the drones, but doesn't play it.

The man leans in and says "Come on, play it! you're embarrassing me!"

The octopus looks up and says "Play it? I'm gonna fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get it's pajamas off!"

On Valentines day my girlfriend asked me to talk dirty to her.

I didnt know whether to say "ride me cowgirl" or "shit on the coffee table"

After making my decision and her riding me for 20 mins she jumped off, tripped, fell and smashed her head on the coffee table!

Soft landing, mind................

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there!

This woman stole my iPhone in Sheffield last week, and doesn’t realise that it uploads all the pictures to my iCloud account. If anyone recognises her, please tell her that ive bought more storage space and can send her the charger incase the battery runs out, Cheers.

Does anyone know a decent local vets?

I’ve been paying £2 a month to the Cats Protection League for over a year. I missed a couple of payments and they’ve just been round and broke Ginger’s legs.

My wife said “I bet you can’t go the whole day without telling a period joke” I said “you’re on”