Jokes

I was telling everyone at work this story that I get much bigger in size and develop a lisp when there’s a full moon.

I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

Last night I was talking to a good looking woman. She asked me if I preferred legs or breasts. I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.

I was told to never come back to KFC again.

Elderly lady goes to the doctor for a checkup.
Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulls the doctor to the side and says “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husbands sex drive”
The doctor smiles and says “have you tried giving him Viagra?”
The lady frowns “Viagra? I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache” she claimed
“Well” the Doctor continued, “Let me suggest something, crush the viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it, he won’t notice a thing”.
The old lady was delighted and left the doctor’s office quickly.

Weeks later, the old lady returned.
She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong.
She shook her head.
“How did it go?” the doctor asked.
“Terrible, Doctor..terrible”
“Did it not work?”
“Yes,” she replied “It worked, I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table, it was the best sex I’d had in 25 years.”
“Then what is the problem?” the bemused doctor asked
“Well” she replied, “I can’t ever show my face in Marks and Spencer’s again”

A Scottish woman phones 999.

“You’ve got tae help me, ma waters have just broken”

“Okay, keep calm madam, where are you ringing from?”

“Fae ma fanny tae ma ankles!”

I was at work in Asda, up a stepladder stacking boxes of washing powder when my new girlfriend walks in...

“You lying bastard” she shouts..”you told me you were a squadron leader in the Red Arrows!”

“No I didn’t” I replied, “I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team”

(27-12-2018 14:07 )Carl_HoneyLover Wrote:  Last night I was talking to a good looking woman. She asked me if I preferred legs or breasts. I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.

I was told to never come back to KFC again.

via GIPHY

I went to the doctors the other day, said I was worried that I was having a shit at 6am on the dot every morning for the last two weeks.

“What’s the problem with that?” asks the doc

“I don’t get up til 8.30”

A Bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

Emma come first, Den I come.
Den two asses come togeder.
I come once-a-mora.
Two asses, they come togeder again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.

"You foul mouthed swine" says the lady, "in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady" said the man "I'm a justa tellin' my friend how to spella 'Mississippi' "

Do you remember them flexible aerials people used to have on cars and vans? There was a man standing on a corner as one of those vans went around it too fast, meaning the thing slapped him hard in the face. He went to a&e and the nurse saw the red line across his cheek, and with a sharp intake of breath muttered That's the worst case of van aerial disease I've ever seen.

Soldier in the desert on duty approaches his sergeant and explains
soldier: "im dying for a shag, can u sort it for me ?
sarge: camel in shed 7, ill book you in for 2pm
2pm arrives and the soldier goes in and gives the camel a right good see-ing too.
He exits the shed and his sarge approaches him
"you dirty bastard"
"what?"
"why didn't you ride it into town like the rest of the fuckin lads"