Jokes

I was in the Gym the other day and said to the Trainer "Hey pal, what machine should I go on to impress those 2 fit chicks over there"?

He said "Try the cash machine on the high street fatty".

I was in a long queue in the shop, and when I got to the front,
the woman behind the counter said; "Sorry for your wait"

I said; "Speak for yourself fat arse"

There was a young man from Devizes
Who had balls of two different sizes
One was so small it was no good at all
And the other so large, it won prizes.

What do you call a chap with a two inch penis?..... Justin!

What do you call a chap with a one inch penis?...... Tintin


Ok.....I'll get me coat

My neighbour knocked at my door at 2.30am this morning. Can you believe that? 2.30am!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Because of his poor DIY skills, Sean Connery is sick and tired of picking his books up off the floor.

When asked he said “I blame myshelf”

On a beautiful summer day, two English motorcyclists were travelling through Wales. They stopped at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwryndrobwllantysyliogogogoch for lunch, and one of the riders asked the waitress “Before we order, I wonder if you can settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce very slowly where we are?”

The girl leaned over and said “Burrrr...gerrrr...king”.

Two women knocked on my door last night and started preaching to me about the benefits of whole meal bread...

Bloody Hovis witnesses.

Man goes to the doctors and says “Bit embarrassing doc, I’ve hurt my cock in a surfing accident”

Doc : “Did you fall off the board?”

Man : “No, I slammed my laptop shut when the wife walked in unexpectedly”.

Guy walks up to a girl sitting at the bar in a club.

Guy : “Do you want to dance?”
Girl : “Oh yes I’d love to dance”
Guy : “Great, then I’ll have that chair”

Had a bird shit on my windscreen last night..

Last time I take her out for a fucking drink...