Jokes

I can drive a woman wild with my tongue..
It’s easy..
All you have to do is say “Have you put on weight?”

I went into Boots to buy some condoms...

“Would you like a bag?” asked the shop assistant

“No thanks”, I said “She’s not that ugly”.

Went to the gym this morning and there’s a new machine!

I used it for half an hour and felt sick..

It’s great though, it does everything from KitKats to Mars Bars, Snickers and Crisps..

I was at a funeral yesterday when I asked the priest for the WiFi code.

He shouted “Have some respect for the dead”

I said “Is that all in lower case?”

I got fired from my job as a bingo caller today.

Apparently ‘dinner for two with a hairy view’ wasn’t an appropriate way to call out 69.

Started a new job as a sound engineer last week..

Didn’t really know what I was doing but got a lot of positive feedback..

The cashier in the shop said “strip down facing me”

How was I supposed to know she was talking about my debit card?

A man walks into a fishmongers with a trout under his arm.

“Do you make fish cakes?” asks the man

“Yes of course” the fishmonger replies

“Good, it’s his birthday”

I’ll get my coat...

The inventor of the anagram has died. May he erect a penis.

A man and wife are fast asleep when they hear a knock at the door. The man rolls over and checks the time. It is 3.30 am so he decides to ignore it.

However the knocking persists so the wife persuades her husband to answer it. He leans out the window and shouts 'What do you want?'

A voice replies 'can you give me a push?'

'No chance, it's 4 in the morning,' and with that he shuts the window.

When he explains to his wife what the guy wanted she says, 'Wait a minute, remember that time it was 2 in the morning, pouring with rain, we had the kids in the back and our car broke down. Go and give him a hand.'

With that he gets dressed and goes outside. 'Do you still want a push?' he shouts.

'Yes' came the reply.

'Where are you I can't see you'

'Over here on the swings'