Jokes

An Aussie needs help with his missus so he calls a help hotline

“G’day mate Aussie help line what’s the problem cobber?”

“I am In Darwin with me Sheila and she’s been stung on the minge by a wasp and now her fanny has closed up.”

“Bummer mate”

“Never thought of that. Cheers”!

A young pair of newlyweds go on their honeymoon to Africa. They're at it like rabbits for the first few days but the wife is a little disappointed as her husband is a little lacking in the trouser department. They're laying in bed one morning, naked as newborns after a wake-up shag, the window open, and in flies a bee. After buzzing around the room for a bit, it zooms up the woman's vagina. She panics and shouts at her husband to do something, so he looks in and tries to reach it to pull it out but can't. They decide to go to the local doctor for help.

When they get there, it's just a small, one-room clinic. They explain to the doctor that a bee has flown up the wife's vagina and the husband can't reach it to remove it. The doctor tells the wife to remove her underwear, lift up her skirt, and lie on the bed. He then reaches for a jar of honey in his draw, and tells the husband to smear some honey on the end of his penis and just insert the tip in; this will attract the bee and tempt it out. The husband does so, clambering up onto the bed on top of his wife. But it doesn't work and the bee remains up there.

The doctor tells him to put his penis in a bit deeper. Same negative result. The doctor then tells him to put it in all the way. But the bee still doesn't get tempted out.

The doctor tells him that perhaps the bee is in too deep and the husband's penis isn't long enough. The doctor suggests that as his own penis is a little longer, perhaps he should try. The wife, who is now really in a panic, says she'll try anything. The husband is a bit reluctant but agrees after his wife implores him.

The doctor removes his trousers and his penis isn't just a little longer, it's huge. The wife's eyes go wide. He rubs some honey on the tip and just puts the end in. The wife gives a strange sigh. The bee doesn't come out. He puts it in a little deeper. Again, the wife sighs, a bit louder now. No bee. He puts it in deeper still and the wife lifts her feet up to wrap around him. He tells here it's still not working so he's going to jiggle it round a bit. "Oh yes, please do!" gasps the wife. But still the bee refuses to be tempted out. A few minutes later, the well-hung doctor is pistoning in and out. The wife is moaning in pleasure.

Belatedly, the husband realises what's going on and says, "Now hold on, you're only supposed to be tempting the bee out!"

The doctor turns his head and says "Change of plan, I'm going to drown the bastard!!"

A blonde was driving down the highway. In the distance, she saw a brunette doing jumping jacks in the middle of the road. Being curious, the blonde decided to pull over.

The brunette was jumping up and down clapping her hands over her head, and shouting, "Twenty one! Twenty one! Twenty one!"

So, seeing how this looked like fun, the blonde got behind her, and started doing jumping jacks, and shouting, "Twenty one! Twenty one! Twenty one!" This goes on for about an hour, then the brunette got tired, so she sat down.

But the blonde decided to continue because she was having the best time of her life doing jumping jacks in the middle of the highway shouting "twenty one". Along came a truck and SPLAT! There goes the blonde.

The brunette made a mark on her notepad, got back up and went back into the road and started doing jumping jacks again, shouting, "Twenty two! Twenty two!"

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl a chili.

The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"

The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."

So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.

About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to see half a dead rat sitting in the chili.

He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl.

The second man looks at him and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."

A family is at the dinner table..the son asks the father, "Dad,how many kinds of boobs are there"?

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

What is the difference between a pick-pocket & a pervert -- One likes snatching women's watches the other likes watching women's snatches.

My girlfriend bless her for all her good intentions can be a bit dopey,take yesterday for instance when she tried to bake a cake when it said on the recipe 'separate 3 eggs' she put one in the bathroom,one in the living-room & one in the back garden.



According to scientific study the hardest thing they say about being a paedophile is just trying to fit in.

(30-12-2018 15:32 )Jack the Nipper Wrote:  My girlfriend bless her for all her good intentions can be a bit dopey,take yesterday for instance when she tried to bake a cake when it said on the recipe 'separate 3 eggs' she put one in the bathroom,one in the living-room & one in the back garden.



According to scientific study the hardest thing they say about being a paedophile is just trying to fit in.

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."