Jokes

Since my wife left, I’ve bought a Harley, loads of cocaine and am currently in bed with two prostitutes.

She’s gonna go apeshit when she gets home from work.

People say that time is money. Well I don’t buy that for a second.

A man arrives home from work with flowers in his hand.

His wife looks up at him and says “Oh, you show up with flowers and I just bet you expect me to spread my legs for you?”

“Oh no dear” he replies, “a vase should work just fine.”

I’m truly disgusted by people who poach rare animals.

They taste much better grilled.

Took the wife out for a romantic meal last night and we played footsie under the table while we were eating.

I had a lovely steak and she got toed in the hole.

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino? - Elephino.

Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a supermarket

How long have you been thinking this?

Since I was Lidl.

Burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night

Knew i should have put it on aloha temperature.

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar walk into a bar..

He came, he saw, he conquered...

My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.

His exact words were “When I want your fucking advice I’ll ask for it”.