Jokes

A man is walking through his local Mall and notices a Mexican Book Store. He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican Store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have a book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"
The clerk replies, "F*ck you, Get out, Stay out!"
The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!".

Two guy's sneak into a farmer's orchard and start eating fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of whatever fruit you want", said the farmer.
The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says, "Now shove 'em all up your ass". The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh. "Why are you laughing?", asks the farmer. The guy replies, "My friend is out picking watermelons!".

I convinced the wife to work for MI5.

So she wouldn't be allowed to tell me about her day.

Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: Because your mum loves Easter, it's an anagram.

Son: Thanks dad.

Dad: No problem Alan.

What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

One's a marsupial, the others a Geordie stuck in a lift.

Don't know why people are scared of forests at night.

I just parked my car in one and the people were REALLY friendly.

Reflecting back to when I was a kid I have to admit I used to be a right cheeky little fucker & I remember when when my dad was giving me a telling off he ended his bollocking by saying "Just you wait as one day you'll have kids of your own!!".I replied "And so will you!!".

Stay away from marijuana, it can cause memory loss.

Or even worse, memory loss.

Nelson was about 5ft 6 inches tall.

His column is 17ft 4 inches

That’s Horatio of 1:3