Jokes

A woman decides one day to go and learn how to play golf. She starts her first ever round the morning after. She gets to the first hole and tees off... walking half way up the course shes stung by a bee. She runs to the club house and asks her trainer for help. He says "where did it sting you?" The woman replies "In between the 1st & 2nd hole" The trainer looks at her and says "Right, you need to stand with your legs less apart"

I just got off the phone with a friend in New England. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, and it is nearly waist high and still falling. The temperature has dropped to 17 degrees F and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Couple were driving home and run over a rabbit, they get out the car to find its still breathing but freezing cold. The husband says "put it between your legs to warm it up" the wife replies "but its all wet and it stinks"

Husband says "well hold its nose then"

I slept with my friend´s wife last night. I feel really terrible now. She must have given me a cold or something.

This bloke said to me do you like Erasure I said Oooooh Sometimes

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom.
The 7 year old looks at his brother and says “I think it’s time we started swearing”
The younger brother nods in agreement.
“When we go downstairs, I’ll be the first to swear, then you swear”.
The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for breakfast.
“I’ll have a bowl of coco pops bitch!” says the 7 year old.
The mother smacks the kid so hard that he flies out of his chair.
The mother turns to the 4 year old and asks what he wants..
Stunned, the 4 year old replies, “I don’t know, but it won’t be fucking coco pops!”

Paddy says to Mick, I'm getting circumcised tomorrow, does it hurt?

He replied, "well, I had it done when I was a few days old and didn't walk for a year"

If you’re struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas...
Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

Did you hear about the man with 5 dicks?

His underpants fit like a glove.

A desperate man goes to the doctor because he can't get an erection.

He says, "Doc, I just can't live without sex, I need the use of my equipment back. Please help me!"

The doctor says, " Well, there is a new experimental procedure I read about where the muscles of a baby elephants' trunk are removed and implanted in your penis. This gives you back the full use of your penis."

The man in his desperation eagerly agrees to try the procedure.

Some time after the operation, the man is at dinner with a new date when he feels a rustle in his pants.

He ignores it but a short time later it happens again.

The man figures his penis just needs a little air so he unzips his pants to let it out.

That seems to fix the problem for a while until his penis reaches up onto the table, grabs a roll and disappears back under the table.

His date stares in complete awe, totally amazed by what just happened, and asks, "Can you do that again".

The guy says, Probably, but I don't think I could fit another roll up my ass."