Jokes

Running marathons. That must be sole destroying.

Fella goes to the grocers and asks "Can i have 5lb of your finest maris piper potatoes please".

The grocer says "I have to inform you due to EU legislation they are kilos now"

Fella looks bemused and replies "Well can i have 5lb of kilos then"!

A husband arrives home from work early and he hears loud groans coming from the upstairs bedroom. He runs upstairs and finds his wife on the bed completely naked and breathing heavily. "Oh my god, what's up?" He asks, she says "I think I'm having a heart attack."

The husband runs downstairs to ring an ambulance. While he's on the phone his son comes running up to him, sobbing. "What's to matter son, is it because your Mum isn't very well?" The little lad replies "No Dad, Uncle Tony has just frightened me, he ran into my bedroom with no clothes on and hid in my wardrobe."

The husband runs upstairs in a rage and goes into the wardrobe to confront Uncle Tony, "You bastard, my own brother, how could you? My wife is lying in bed there having a heart attack and you're running around the house with no clothes on frightening the kids!"

I was driving on the motorway yesterday in a hearse.

Police pulled me over for undertaking.

Donald Trump may be impeached for having sex with the Vice President. It's about time he got come up Pence.

A bloke see's his Doctor and say's "Doc, I've got a huge lump growing on on my penis, what do you think", he gets it out and reveals this horrendous knob.

The Doctor says "It clearly needs examining, but I'd rather you booked an appointment than getting your cock out while I'm shopping in Sainsburys"

Things are bad at home right now. She says she's sick of me. Football, Rugby, Cricket, always sport on the telly. Anyway, I booked a quiet table for two last night to try and patch things up. But by 9 o'clock things were 10 times worse. She hadn't potted a single red all night.

(26-01-2019 21:44 )Carl_HoneyLover Wrote:  A bloke see's his Doctor and say's "Doc, I've got a huge lump growing on on my penis, what do you think", he gets it out and reveals this horrendous knob.

The Doctor says "It clearly needs examining, but I'd rather you booked an appointment than getting your cock out while I'm shopping in Sainsburys"

via GIPHY

“I bet your arse is as big as my BBQ a man says to his wife.”

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they’re about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. “Not tonight,” says his wife.

He asks her why not, to which she responds, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little sausage?”