Jokes

An old man made his way into hospital clutching a jar full of water with quite a turd floating in it.

"I demand to see an Optician, I demand to see him now"

The receptionist thought he was raving mad. "Sure, just this way", hoping the doctor will take care of him and send him away.

He was led to the Optician. As soon as the doctor saw the jar he advised, "Sir I think you're in the wrong ward, I think you need to see a Gastroenterologist, not an Optician"

"You idiot, of course I need an optician. The problem is every time I make one of these, my eyes are streaming with tears"

3 men are walking through a forest on their way back home, when they stumble upon a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

"Guys, I think I fucked up."

A man goes to the doctor and says, “I got this sex problem, Doctor”.

“Well”, says the Doctor, “Tell me about your average day”.

“Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for a quickie, and then again about 5 o’clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work.”

“Oh I see”, said the Doc.

“No, hang on”, said the man,”…you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there.”

“Oh….now I see”, said the quack.

“No you don’t”, said our hero. “When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom”. “Oh….now I see”, said the quack.

“No no no”, he said. “When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I’m very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie”. “Now I understand”, said the patient doctor.

“No, hang on”, said the bloke. “When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she’ll give me the sack.”

“Ahh….”, said the doctor, “now I see..”

“No, there’s more”, said our man, “when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex after dinner.”

“What’s your problem?”, asked the doc.

“Well…”, said the man, “it hurts when I have a wank.”

A man has a pet duck and he loves his duck, can't bear to be apart from it and takes it everywhere with him.

One day he decides to go to the cinema to see the latest blockbuster, so off he trots, duck under his arm to the local multiplex.

When he gets to the counter, the cashier says "sorry mate, no pets, and especially no ducks, allowed."

So the bloke goes round the corner and stuffs his duck down his trousers, goes back and pays to go in. When he gets into the cinema he sits next to two girls.

Halfway through the film the first girl turns to her friend and says "the bloke next to me has got his flies undone and his thing keeps popping out!"

He friend replies "you've seen one before, when you've seen one you've seen them all."

"I thought that," says the first girl, "but this one keeps eating my popcorn."

One night after a date, a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:

"Honey, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."

My wife says I only have two faults..

1) I don’t listen to what she says; and some other shite she was blathering on about...

A huge thank you to my next door neighbour for lending me a large sheet of plastic covering.

Ta Pauline.

Couple of golfing jokes..
A man who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for 10 years sees a speck on the horizon. “It’s too small to be a ship,” he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer, he rules out the possibility of it being a small boat, then a raft.
Suddenly, a gorgeous blonde woman emerges from the surf wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man and asks, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years!” he says.
She unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, is that ever good!”
Then she asks him, “How long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?”
Trembling, he replies, “Ten years!”
She unzips a waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens it, takes a long swig, and says, “That’s fantastic!”
Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper down the front of her suit, looks at him seductively, and asks, “And how long has it been since you’ve played around?”
The man, with tears in his eyes, replies, “Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

A pretty pathetic golfer was getting frustrated with his lousy game and began blaming his mistakes on his experienced caddie.
As the round came to an end, the golfer said, “You have to be the worst caddie in the whole wide world.”
To which the caddie replied, “I don’t think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”

As a couple approaches the altar, the groom tells his wife-to-be, “Honey, I’ve got something to confess: I’m a golf nut, and every chance I get, I’ll be playing golf!”
“Since we’re being honest,” replies the bride, “I have to tell you that I’m a hooker.”
The groom replies, “That’s okay, honey. You just need to learn to keep your head down and your left arm straight.”