Jokes

I held a meaningful vote of my own tonight.

Should I leave the pub or stay in the pub?

If you're wondering how it turned out I've chosen to remain.

What does a very well endowed man have for breakfast

This morning I had toast....

A mum,dad & their two kids are on their first day of their holiday & when entering the hotel they walk up to Reception & as they formally check-in the dad with one eye on his kids asks "Is it possible to have the porn disabled?" The Receptionist replies "I'm sorry it's only normal porn you sick bastard!!".

Two country bumpkins have been staying on a farm for a week helping out an elderly famer and his wife.

On the last day of their staying they were working in two different barns one with the cows for milking and one for the sheep shearing.

The farmer walks into the milking shed

"Excuse me son, have you got a minute?"
"Sure,"
"you're both leaving after having lunch aren't you?"
"Yes that we are, why?"
"Could you do me one last favour?"
"What would that be?"
"In the stables in the next field is my old horse. Vet came last week, before you arrived and said to me that I have to put him down, I've had him since he was a foal but I know in my heart, I just can't bring meself to do it. If I gave you an old gun of mine could you shoot him for me?" says the farmer with tears in his eyes.
"Sure, I'll do it for you" says the bumpkin. "After lunch?"
"Yes you can shoot him and leave and leave the gun in the stables for me."
"OK"
After a lunch the two bumpkins pack up and are ready to leave. then the farmer beckons to bumpkin he spoke to and he follows him,
into a shed and he hands him the gun. the bumpkin nods and slips the gun into his coat pocket.
They then leave with their food and they walk down the lane then they come to field with the stables in it.
"Mate, let's take a short cut across this field eh?"
They walk across the field, then stop outside the stable and the old horse pops his head out.
"Mate I think we'll have something big for dinner tonight," said the first bumpkin and he pulls out the gun and shoots the old horse straight between the eyes and it drops down dead.
I think we should have something big for dinner tomorrow too," says his mate and snatching the gun he shoots the farmer's prize bull as it charges towards them.

Pope Francis is playing darts with a cardinal.
pope throws first.
First treble 20, second dart treble 20 the third dart bounces off a wire, flies across and through window, and hits the mother superior walking past straight between the eyes and she passes to her eternal rest.

There is silence for a few minutes before the cardinal shouts ;-

"One NUN-dead and eighty!"

I've got no problem buying tampons. I'm a modern man.But apparently they're not a "proper" present.

Why do couples in movies & tv shows cuddle after sex, in reality my bird wipes her fanny on my sock, sparks a joint and scrolls through fb

The housebound old lady next door is desperate for someone to do a bit of food shopping for her. If anyone in my area can possibly do it, can you also get me a Twix?

I bumped into mate of mine the other week & he told me he was going on holiday & asked me for advice on how to impress the women.I told him than when he was about to hit the beach wearing his budgie-smugglers to stick a Potato (preferably a King Edward as they are bigger) down his trunks beforehand as the ladies will be impressed with the big bulge downstairs. When I bumped into my mate the other day I asked how he did on holiday."Don't fucking ask" he said "I did what you said & put a potato down my trunks & when I hit the beach any woman that looked at me just screamed & ran away".
I said to him "You thick bastard when I told you to put a potato down your trunks I mean't down the front not the back!!".

My partner asked me if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner...

So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.