Jokes

A woman came home and showed her husband her new tattoos! She got Merry Christmas on the inside of one leg and Happy New Year on the other.

When her husband asked why she said “Well now you can’t complain that there is nothing to eat between Christmas and New Years!”

just had a phone emergency, I almost accidentally called Baby Spice...

it may not sound like much to you, but to me, it was nearly a dial-Emma...

*tuning a guitar*
this next song is called "really deep hole"

hope you dig it...

after asking questions like "why do we exist?", "why do stickers stick to non stick surfaces?" and "why, why, why, Delilah?"

I've been called a very why's man

there was a short period of time where I only saw arctic bears, it was really Polar-eyes-ing...

I use units of length to measure temperature...

for example, a mile, that's far-in-height...

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door. Before I spoke he tipped a bucket of dog shit over my carpet an said, "If this vacuum doesn't remove every trace of it I'll personally eat what's left"...

I replied, "I hope you're hungry because they cut off my electric this morning"...

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink.
“it’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff,” he replied.
“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”

A young daughter is at home when her father calls. The daughter picks up.

"Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

A brief pause. "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Mummy says I do! He's with Mummy in the room, right now."

Another brief pause. "Uh, alright, here's what Daddy wants you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Okay, I've done it, Daddy."

"And what happened, honey?"

"Mummy got all scared and jumped out of beds with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she's not moving at all!"

"Oh my god!!! What about the Uncle Paul?!"

"Uncle Paul jumped out of bed with no clothes on too! He got all scared and jumped out the window into the swimming pool. But I think he doesn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and now he isn't moving too!"

A long pause this time. "Swimming pool...? Is this 486-5731?"

I like to go to parties dressed as a giant penis in camouflage because I like to bell-end in