Jokes

Paddy charges into the benefits office and shouts "i've been ringing 0800 1730 for two days now, why the fuck doesn't anybody answer!" the girl behind the desk replies "Mr Murphey those are our opening times?"

two cows are standing in a field.daisy says to dolly"i was artificially inseminated this morning"
"i dont believe you"replies dolly."its true,no bull"says daisy

As I was driving on the M4 this morning a Sewage Tanker tried to under take me,

I thought "That's taking the piss"

There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow!" said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" asked the woman.
"If I can guess the real colour of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

my mate was complaining about his itchy contact lenses,so i suggested he visited netdoctor.co.uk.its a site for sore eyes

Employment applications always ask "Who is to be notified in case of an emergency?"

I think you should write, "999"

Last night my misses came to me on her hands and knees.
She said, “Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.”

Three women are talking about their husband's testicles.
The first one says, "I christened them Laurel and Hardy because they're different sizes but they give me a laugh."
The second woman declares, "I call my husband's balls Ant & Dec because I can't bear them but they do a professional job."
The third woman frowned then said, "Well, I call mine John and Edward after X-Factor, because I haven't a clue how they've lasted so fucking long!!"

I went to a pre-mature ejaculation awards ceremony the other night.

I came first.

what does a mathematician do whens he,s constipated?
he works it out with a pencil