Jokes

Stood outside the shop 2am in the morning when a Police car pulls up. Copper leans out and says "on your way, you're loitering" I told him though "Shopkeeper told me to mind that dogshit and he hasn't come back yet"

What did one saggy boob say to the other - If we don't get some support soon & sink any lower people are gonna start mistaking us for a couple of nuts.

My kids have been throwing scrabble tiles at each other again.

It’s all fun and games until someone loses an I.

I decided to ring up BT & complain about all the nuisance calls I've been getting.The BT operative replied "not you again!".

Went to the doctors today about a little problem downstairs. After I stripped off he immediately mentioned that my genitalia was perfectly shaped like a saxophone.

I mentioned that it was a family trait that we all had genitalia shaped like musical instruments.

He was amazed and said “In all my 25 years as a GP, I’ve never seen anything like yours, however I do seem to recall a lady coming in a couple of years ago whose vagina was shaped like a mouth organ”.

“Yeah” I said, “that’ll be our Monica”.

For the past 20 years, I've had a Valentines card from a secret admirer. I was sad I didn't get one this year! First my gran dies, now this!

There was a terrible story on the 10 o'clock news last night about a man getting run over by a steam-train whilst he attempted to cross a railway track.Paramedics later confirmed that although the man unfortunately died he was apparently chuffed to bits.

My German Shepherd loves eating garlic.

His bark is worse than his bite..