Jokes

I used to spend all day holding a load of watches.

Turns out I had too much time on my hands..

My wife said she’s leaving me because I exaggerate things.

I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock!

If Apple comes out with a self driving car will it have Windows?

A hard-of-hearing 98-year old man was sent an escort by his grandsons on his birthday.

After she rings the doorbell, the escort informs him "Your grandsons sent me to provide my services."

"What?"

"I SAID 'YOUR GRANDSONS SENT ME TO PROVIDE MY SERVICES.'"

"Ok, what do you offer?"

"I can provide you with super sex."

"What??"

"I CAN GIVE YOU SUPER SEX."

“Look, I'm 98 years old, I'm too old for sex. I'll take the soup."

I've decided to finally bite the bullet & go for a career change I've decided to become a full-time comedian & do stand-up tours around the country.I'll be naming the tour "Jokes about Chimneys" because I have a stack of them & being the generous soul that I am the first joke will be on the house.

I still remember vividly of the time I had a horrible break-up with an old girlfriend because she constantly lied about her weight.Saying that she did unfortunately perish in a bungee-jumping accident.

Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall!

Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for help..

Feel a bit guilty about the wank now!

what do you call a mop that's made in China?

a floor'n object

There once was a princess that lived alone in a castle with her cat. Being her only companion, she loved the cat very much. Little did she know, the cat was actually a handsome prince that had been cursed to live his life as a feline.

Seeing how much the princess loved the cat, the witch showed some rare compassion and turned the cat back into a handsome prince.

The princess was overjoyed and her heart was filled with love..and lust.

Upon seeing her enthusiasm, the prince said “I bet you wish you hadn’t had me fixed now huh?”

Reported on the 10 o'clock news last night two men were arrested breaking into a hardware store were one of the culprits was found eating batteries & the other eating fireworks.Police later confirmed that they charged one man & released the other.