Jokes

I failed my fire safety course when asked what steps I would take in case there was an explosion.

“Really large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

I've never ever in my life been a competitive person.I'll be the first to admit that.

I just ate my watch and then some fungi

I think I misunderstood shit-tocky mushrooms...

Apparently some care free birds only have sex on the ground.
The rumour is it's because they couldn't give a flying f#ck.

The high court was stunned today when the judge presiding laid down the penalty for bigamist Johnny O'Reilly from Dublin.

Two mother in laws

Walking down the road I bumped into an old friend of mine who I hadn't seen for years & I couldn't help but notice how dramatically different his appearance was compared to when I last saw him.From a clean-cut almost butter wouldn't melt image of how I remember in stark contrast to now where he had so many tattoo's he looked like a walking scrap book but I did notice he had a large sundial tattoo'd on the back of his left hand & a large pocket-watch on the back of his right hand.I turned round & said to him "It looks like you've got too much time on your hands!".

My uncle who lives in Italy phoned me up earlier today & told me he was involved in a nasty car crash last week where he careered off the road the road & hit a Lemon Tree head on.He sounded to me like he he was still bitter & twisted.

I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.

And now for completeness, we're down to the last four that weren't good enough to post earlier. That's it.