Jokes

ive just started a new band up called "cats eyes"we play middle of the road stuff

last night i tried viagra in my eyes,my sight was fucked but i looked hard

I was in McDonald's and this stunning young girl took my order.
"I can make it large for you for an extra 30p," she said sweetly.
"I'm afraid you already have," I replied, "but how about a blowjob for a pound?"

I tried to get to work by train this morning, they said "Today there is a Bus replacement service"

So I gave them a tin of pineapple chunks.

They said "What's that?"

I said "That's my money replacement service."

I was stood at the checkouts in Asda today and my trollie was packed to the brim. Next thing I knew this little old lady had joined the queue behind me carrying nothing but a pint of milk so I said "Is that all you've got love?" she replied "Yes".

I decided to do the decent thing so I turned to the old lady and said "Best you join another queue love... I'm going to be fucking ages".

late one evening,after closing time,an exhausted tourist knocks on the door of an isolated countryside pub,the george and dragon.the landlandy answers and he asks"excuse me,im lost and hungry.could you spare me a little food?"the woman glances at his dirty clothes and shouts back"NO!".the man asks "could i at least use your loo?"..the woman shouts out again."NO YOU CANT".so the bloke says is there any chance i could speak to george?"

A man walks into a pub and says to the bar maid "you got any grapes?"
the bar maid responds "nah sorry mate this is a pub!"

The next day the man goes into the pub again and says "you got any grapes?"
yet again the bar maid says "nah sorry mate this is a pub!"

a week later the man goes into the pub and says "you got any grapes?"
yet again the bar maid says "For gods sake this is a pub the next time you ask ill nail you to the bar!"

The man comes in the next day and says "you got any nails?" the bar maid says "no" then the man goes "you got any grapes then?"

How pointless is juggling? If I wanted to keep three or more things in the air simultaneously, I'd use a shelf.

I was heading into a pub the other night with a bag of chips when the guy on the door goes to me..."sorry mate this is not a chip shop"...
I stood there for a minute and said "why the fuck would I bring a bag of chips into a chip shop?"

Want to stop that annoying nerd going on about how great his Iphone is?

There's a slap for that!