Jokes

Really enjoyed reading Chris Eubank’s book about ethics.

I can’t wait for his next one about Kent.

So I was in a job interview last week and the panel asked me what my weaknesses were.

I replied, "Honesty."

One panellist said, "I don't consider honesty to be a weakness."

So I looked at him coldly and replied, "I couldn't give a fuck what you think, you quilt!"

A colleague of mine turned up with a goat this morning. He claims he misunderstood "bring your kid to work day".

I see Mick Hucknell's been arrested for indecent exposure in an art gallery in Paris. Basically he was fucking the paintings - mainly impressionist ones - well, everyone has a fetish, right?

So when Police questioned him about what it was like, he replied, "The Dégas was too gross, the Matisse was too gentile but the Monet was too tight to mention!"

I tripped over a bra this morning....

It was a booby trap....

I felt a right tit!

Considering one of these new celebrity facelifts but I'm on a budget. So I've opted for the Mick Hucknell version by holding back the ears.

According to research involving some of the worlds top mathematicians 5 out of 3 people have trouble understanding fractions.

new idea for a TV show, people come up with homonyms of famous people while trying to escape out the side of a giant head

I call it, Rhyme A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Ear

I quit my local gym this morning because one of the instructors started shouting at me, "Come on man, you've got to want it!, Come on push. You can do it".
I hate being disturbed when I'm having a dump.

What’s the worst thing about being an egg?

You only get laid once and it’s by your mother