Jokes

I just had to chase a mugger down the street after he stole my wallet!

He really gave me a run for my money

I woke up this morning feeling rough..I'd gone to sleep on some sandpaper! (Tommy Cooper)

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signals back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signals to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signals, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer,

"What did he say?"

The lawyer replies,

"He says fuck you, you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

My wife got a tattoo of a conch shell on her inner thigh. Now I can smell the sea when I put my ear to it.

my pet mouse Elvis died last night....

got caught in a trap

A 90 year old woman just got married for the 4th time.

It was big news in a small town and a local reporter wanted to interview the lady for a story. The reporter asked the lady what professions her previous husbands had while they were married and before they passed on. "Well..." said the lady " My first husband was a banker, the second was a circus performer, my third was a Pastor and my fourth is an undertaker. "Wow such a diverse group of occupations!" said the reporter. "How do you explain it?" "Well..." said the lady, " one was for the money, two for the show, three was to get ready.."

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight...

... unless you're prepared for the Reaper cushions.

I saw Sinead O’Connor in a birdwatching hide yesterday....
I asked her what kind of activity she’d seen...

“It’s been seven owls and fifteen jays since they took my dove away."

Odd day today. Found a hat full of cash in town, then I was chased by some lunatic with a guitar...

My wife looked out the window this morning and said she was going out to scrape the car.

"Against what?" is apparently not the right response.