Jokes

My wife found out I was cheating on her, after she found all the letters I was hiding....

She got so mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!

I got a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pickup Andropov

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Medical Distinction

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed:

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, 'You're next.'

I hope this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

A teenage girl was getting her haircut and halfway through it she started eating a cake. The hairdresser turned around and said, 'You're gonna get hair on your muffin you know', and she said, 'i'm gonna get big tits as well you dirty old bastard'.

There was a cucumber, a pickle and a penis. The Cucumber says you know what, when i get hard people chop me up and eat me. The pickle says you think thats bad, when i get hard they stick me in a jar that stinks of vinegar. The penis then says, you two get off lightly, when i get hard they put a bag over my head and put me in a darkhole, bash my head against a wall until i get sick all over myself, its that bad when i finally get out i faint!

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said,'That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters:

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

The husband looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

My wife has just fell over and dropped a basket full of freshly ironed clothes.

I just sat back and watched it all unfold!

Just seen a Man United fan with three lions on his chest.

God I love safari parks.

"Can I tap you for a fiver?"
"For tenner you can hit me with a brick!"