Jokes

My wife is always banging on saying that I don't understand her.
I got home from work today to find a note on the fridge door saying "This isn't working,I'm going to my Mums".
I opened up the fridge,the light was on & the beer was cold.
I'm not sure what she's talking about.

When i heard they had found a cure for dyslexia it was like music to my arse.

I'm getting rather aroused by mashed chickpeas. I think I might be hummussexual.

"Alexa... my heart"
"Playing achy breaky heart"
"No... I'm having a heart attack"
"Art attack is a 90s children's TV show..."
"Alexa my arm is sore"
"New alarm set for four"
"Alexa for the love of fuck call me an ambulance"
"Thank you, I will now refer to you as an ambulance"

I used to work for a milkman until one day he accused me of stealing cheese, cream and yoghurt...I thought HOW DAIRY!

My mate set me up on a blind date. He said "She's lovely lass but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby".

I felt a right twat waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.

I went to a Robbie Williams concert last night. Was sat next to an insurance salesman. And through it all he offered me protection.

The gay bar in town caught fire last night.

It was attended by 30 Firefighters, 25 cowboys, 20 red Indians and 15 construction workers.

As my girlfriend Jennifer cuddled with me after our lovemaking last night, she said "I've been thinking. I'd like to give you that threesome you've been fantasizing about. Which of my friends would you want to do it with?"

"Alexis and Britney" was apparently not the correct answer.