Jokes

I was reading a horror book in braille last night, and I just knew something bad was about to happen.

I could feel it.

A filthy rich investor bought his gorgeous fit blonde wife a new automatic Jaguar coupe.

During the very first week of ownership, his blonde wife drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won’t move at all. After trying to drive the car at night for a second week without any luck, she furiously calls the Jaguar dealer and they send a technician out to the couple's mansion.

The technician examines the car's transmission, takes it out for a test ride, and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, “Ma’am, are you sure you are using the right gears?”

Full of anger, the blonde replies, “How on earth you could ask such a question!? I’m not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears! I use D during the day and N at night.”

Exorbitant. A retired insect astronaut.

how do you make water fizzy?

pour it on the front of a car, that'll make it car-bonneted

Knock-knock!

Who's there?

Abby!

Abby who?

Abby Birthday to you!

Thank you, grandpa. The violin you gave me for my last birthday already brought me a lot of money.
Really? You play so well?
Not at all. But mom and dad give me money to stop playing.

Q: What do you give a Tasmanian devil for his birthday?
A: I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it!

It's my wife's birthday on Monday. I asked her last month what she would like to get as a present. 'Oh, I don't know,' she told me, 'anything with diamonds would be lovely.” I bet she’s going to love her brand new set of playing cards!

I once gave up sex for lent.

I learnt the true meaning of palm Sunday.

Two Italian men get on a bus, they sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but then her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma comes first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine", retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!".

"Hey, coola down lady", said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'".

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and said: "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."

His friend said: "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."

Adam decided to take his friend's advice. The next day at the bar his friend said: "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling: "I'll be back in an hour!!"

Q: What do you call a Norwegian prostitute?

A: A Fjord Escort

After six hours learning semerfore non stop, I started to flag.