Jokes

I went out dressed like a chicken last night and I met a girl who was dressed like an egg.

One thing led to another and the lifelong question was answered:

it was the chicken

My wife called me as I was sat in the pub last night.

“I’ve cooked dinner” she screamed, “and if you’re not home within 20 minutes, I’m going to feed it to the dog”

“Woah! That’s bang out of order!” I said, “it’s not his fault”

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds.
The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect.
After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete.
They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

What’s the difference between your wife and your job?


After five years your job will still suck.

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest:
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner: "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks: "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the mens' eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks: "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies: "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes"

Lad comes home from school with an assignment from his teacher to think about the difference between Theory and Reality. So the boy asks his Dad for help

Dad: Go ask your mum if she'll sleep with the plumber for a million quid?

He comes back a few minutes later and says "Yeah she says she would"

Dad: Now go ask you sister if she'll sleep with the plumber for a million quid?

He returns a short while later "Yep she would too"

Dad: There you go then.

In theory we are sitting on 2 million quid

In reality we're living with a pair of slappers!

I went into Dan's Cafe for a bite to eat but was sickened by all the non-stop George Michael music and memorabilia, I'm sure it was putting subliminal George Michael lyrics in my head...

I'm never going to Dan's again...

It was the best day of my life, arrived at the church and walked up the aisle, my wife waiting at the altar, kissed her on the cheek and closed the lid.

A programmer is going to Asda and his wife tells him, "Buy a pint of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 12 pints of milk?" The programmer says, "There were eggs!"