Jokes

Sister Mary entered the Monastery of Silence.
The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.'
Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words.'
Sister Mary said, 'Hard bed.'
I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'
After another 5 years, Sister Mary was called by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary.
'Cold food,' said Sister Mary, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary into his office. 'You may say two words today.'
'I quit,' said Sister Mary.
'It's probably best', said the Priest, 'You've done Nothing but fucking moan since you've been here.'

Why is life like toilet paper?

You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for.

The barman replies, "If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night.

If you fail, you have to pay the bar £100. Do you want to have a go?"

The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, "Nah, the steaks are too high!"

What church do IT guys go to?
Geek Orthodox

Walking home after a girl's night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"

"That's nothing", says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the firestation, we'll never forget you'.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school.

The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher."

She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room.

When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done.

As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face.

He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher."

The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for.

On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home.

His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my bum still hurts."

Went out shopping with my wife earlier, and Costa were offering a free coffee to anyone with a moustache in November.
She's a jammy cow !!!

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way.

We cannoli do so much.

His legacy will become a pizza history.

Man goes to India for a cheap cock extension. The surgeon suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for £3000. Man agrees. 6 weeks later while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants & his cock flys out steals an apple off the table & goes back in. Wow she says can you do that again. He says my cock can but i dont think my arse can take another fucking apple!