Jokes

One Christmas Eve, Santa was under a lot of stress.

He and Mrs. Claus had just had a fight, it was nearly time to leave and his sleigh wasn't loaded, and the elves were talking about going on strike.

Then an angel walked into his office and asked, "Hey, Santa, what do you want me to do with this Christmas tree?"

And so was born the tradition of there being an angel on top of the Christmas tree.

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.

He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"

She says, "It's me lower mouth."

He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"

She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a moustache... It's got lips..."

He asks, "Has it got a tongue in it?"

She says, "Not yet. . ."

One day Pastor flaps was walking past the pub when he saw through the window one of his congregation sitting at the bar drinking whiskey. Not wanting any of his flock to be part-taking in this evil pass-time he rushed in shouting " Mary Mary put that down and you are coming home with me". So Mary drops the glass and staggers to her feet but looses her balance and falls into Pastor Flaps, sending him flying too, as he was just a small wee man. Anyways Mary ends up lying on top of the Pastor, skirt up around her neck and passes out drunk. When the bar man, who was in another room, comes in to see what all the noise was about and sees Mary on top of the Pastor on the ground he comes to the wrong conclusion and shouts "Hey stop now and get up!!! there will be no sex in this Pub". To which the priest says "You don't understand I am Pastor Flaps" so the Barman Gives up and says "Well if you're that far in you might as well keep going!!!"

Let's make this thread's next section for all your Xmas jokes until Xmas Eve!!

Santa: Doctor, I've got a mince pie stuck up my arse.

Doctor: Don't worry, I've got some cream for it.

"I wish I never invented quotes" - Anon
I don't like quotes as much as I used to
I knew a quote once but I can't remember it now
Quotes are easy to remember if you know how to remember things
Never believe a quote, it's not a fact, and that's a fact
My favourite quote is out of stock on the internet but I ordered another one
If you don't know any quotes just make one up
Never write a quote on a Wednesday morning
If quotes were pounds I'd have enough money to buy a book of quotes
One day I want to have a quote named after me
The best quotes have eight words in them
Never believe a quote that tells you what to believe
I wouldn't write this quote if it was the last one I saw

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field!

I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop.

It was sole destroying!

(11-12-2019 20:52 )billyboy1963 Wrote:  I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop.

It was sole destroying!

If women drink a glass of red wine, it increases the chance of a stroke.

If they drink the whole bottle, they might even give it a little suck