Jokes

This morning on the way to work I wasn't really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.

The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies,

"If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar £100. Do you want to have a go?"

The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, "Nah, the steaks are too high!"

Bob left work one Friday evening.

But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

I once almost got killed by a rabbit

It was a hare raising experience

What does the farmer do to all his pictures?

He crops them

A horse is in a pub having a few beers when he spots a donkey in the corner so he goes over for a chat.
The donkey asks “What do you do for a living?”
The horse says “I run on the flats in the summer and do the jumps in the winter.”
And the donkey says “I work with the kids on the beach.” He then ask the horse “Did you win anything?”
The horse replies “Yes, on the flats I won the Oaks, St Leger and the Derby. And over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup.”
They arrange to meet at the donkey’s house the following week and the donkey thinks “I really need to impress this guy…he done everything.” So he goes out and buys a big picture of a Zebra and hangs it above his fireplace.
The horse arrives and says “Lovely place you have here and who’s that in the picture on the wall?”
The donkey replies “That’s me when I played for Juventus..”

Had my first cage fight last night.

Fucking budgie never knew what hit it.

I think my job interview to be a bug sorter went well. I boxed all the right ticks

A woman goes to her doctors and said "Doctor, I've been taking Steroids for two years and now I've grown a cock!"

He asked "Anabolic?"

"No, Doctor, just a cock.."