Jokes

Animal Jokes

Bar... Monkey

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Arriving home very drunk

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

heard a really sick joke about Bono from U2 today

cant tell it to you though

sorry its just too close to The Edge

I was at the swimming baths today & the lifeguard shouted "you can't dive mate" "Sorry"I said "I didn't know it's not allowed" "It is"he said"I'm just saying your very shit at diving"

When I heard channel 5 were going to get Man U I didn't think it meant they would lose home & away.

David Blaine is apparently gutted at the minute. He has discovered his 44-day record of doing sod-all in a box has been smashed by Micheal Owen

It's my favourite day of the year. National Stereotype Day.

Sex is just a lazy man's wank.

I came out of my house this morning and was shocked to see a brand new Mercedes was wrapped round a tree. The driver was covered in blood. His wife was clearly dead. His kids were in the back screaming in agony.

I said to him, "It's not your day today, is it?"

He said, "It is - my name's Patrick!"

Glad to be drunk

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said,
"I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."