Jokes

Apparently men think about sex every seven seconds, lucky I wrote this in sex.

Apparently the Fire Brigade could be on strike in 2 weeks.David Cameron has advised the public to set fire to their home tonight as a precaution.

Apparently Matt Damon only truely believes in two things,sequels & reincarnation.He expects to be Bourne again.

Brian May is a slighty more optimistic version of Brian Cant.

Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"

April Fools Day,the day every Newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched,factually correct story.

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"

Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

Millionaire: " Billionaire"

I recently bought 50% of a vampire hunting company,I'm now the main stake holder.

A drunk chap walks into a library, goes to the counter and very loudly asks, “Can I have a large doner kebab and chips, please?” The bemused librarian replies, “Sir, this is a library.” “Oh, I’m sorry,” Says the drunk, before whispering very, very quietly, “Can I have a large doner kebab and chips, please?”

I asked mrs w if she'd act like a "naughty school girl" for me, told her to get ready and said I'd be up in ten minutes.

When I got to the bedroom she was fast asleep and on my pillow was a note she'd forged from her mother saying she didn't have to participate......