Jokes

My mate Paddy has been panic buying Diesel.
So far, he has 4 pairs of jeans, 8 shirts and 6 bottles of aftershave!

Sky Sports News ....
Mancini says Balotelli will never play for Manchester City again!!!
Where have we heard that before???

If you ever Google Gary Oldman,for fucks sake dont forget the 'r'

I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

I informed my wife months in advance that I wanted an Xbox for my birthday, nothing else, just an Xbox. Even after all of this, she ended up getting a framed picture of me and her.

Which is cool, because for her birthday, I'm gonna get her an Xbox.

My mate posted on Facebook: 'Spending the night in with my girl'

I couldn't help but chuckle, My Girl is a shit film.

My son was ill last night so we called the doctor for a house visit.

After an examination, he turned to us and said, "I think you should call a Priest."

"Oh my god!" cried my wife. "Is he going to die?"

"No, he's constipated," replied the doctor, "But half an hour with a Priest should loosen him up nicely."

I was stood at the bar last night when an overweight girl came over:

"Hey stud, got a name?" she purred.

"Dave" I said, "but everyone calls me cake"

"Wow, nice nickname. Is that 'cos you're so sweet?" she giggled.

"No" I said, "it's 'cos when I'm out, every fat cunt tries to get their hands on me."

When I die I'd like the word humble to be written on my statue.

"I'm not feeling well" says a patient to his doctor. "Do you think it might be my diet?" The doctor asks "what have you been eating?" The patient replies "snooker balls. I have two reds for breakfast, three blues for lunch and five browns and a pink for dinner." The doctor says "I think I see the problem. You're not getting enough greens"