Jokes

touché! i'll give you the last word on it for now. TBC

(12-05-2012 20:46 )terence Wrote:  touché! i'll give you the last word on it for now. TBC

I look forward to it!!

I will try stay on the fence...

What do you get when you put the girlfriends of a dozen Liverpool fans in one room?
A full set of teeth!

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Q: What’s the difference between OJ Simpson and the Arsenal football team?

A: OJ Simpson had a more credible defence

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the FA Cup Final from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium.

About halfway through the first half, Bob notices an empty seat 5 rows off the pitch right on the halfway line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the elderly gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Cup Final and not use it?” The man replies, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1962.”

“Well, that’s really sad,” says Bob, “but still, couldn’t you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?”

“No,” the man replies, “they’re all at the funeral.”

Q: How can you tell ET is a Southend fan?

A: Because he looks like one.

Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog’s collar and twists it, breaking the dog’s neck. All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition.
He writes, “Manchester City fan saves friend from vicious animal.”
The boy interrupts: “But I’m not a City fan.”
The reporter starts again: “Manchester United fan saves friend from horrific attack.”
The boy interrupts again: “I’m not a United fan either.”
The reporter asks: “Who do you support, then?”
“Liverpool,” replies the boy.
The headline the next day: “Scouse b*****d kills family pet”

The Football Association was considering a scheme for simplifying club badges and emblems so that they more closely reflected the clubs' names. A committee was set up to receive suggestions and, after a few weeks, the chairman called a meeting.

'Gentlemen,' he said, 'our request for new club badge designs has produced a very satisfactory response.

Most of the suggestions are perfectly straightforward and logical - an ox for Oxford United, a sun for Sunderland, a heart for Heart of Midlothian, a windmill and a brick wall for Millwall.

However, I'm afraid we must definitely draw the line at the proposed design received from Arsenal!'

Q. Which three league teams have swear words in their names?

A. Scunthorpe United, Arsenal and fucking Manchester United.

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Q.What's the difference between a hedgehog and the Man U team bus?

A. The Man U bus has more pricks!

Q: What do Spurs fans and laxatives have in common?
A: Both irritate the absolute shit out of you.

On the first day of school a teacher explains to her class that she is a Reading fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Reading fans.
Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise,

"Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Reading fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked,
"Well, if you are not a Reading fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I am an Aldershot Town fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears.

"Janie, for goodness sake, why on earth are you a Aldershot Town fan?"

"Because my mum is a Aldershot Town fan, and my dad is Aldershot Town fan, so I'm a Aldershot Town fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be an Aldershot Town fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a disease ridden prostitute addicted to crack and your dad was a fat wife beating slob addicted to drink and drugs and selling heroin to children on the side, what would you be then?"

"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Reading fan."