Jokes

I got my Grandad a bottle of aftershave and a box of matches for his birthday.

You should have seen his little face light up!!

A Aldershot Town fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Reading fan he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious Blue & White shirt. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them.
One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest,
"Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.
"Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!"
The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road. Suddenly, the driver saw a Reading fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. Not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said,
"sorry Father, I almost hit that Reading fan."
"That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a loaf of bread...

The birds wouldn't leave me alone

Bought the wife a fur coat made out of 3600 Hamster skins and took her to Blackpool for the weekend.
Couldn't get the fucker of the big wheel for 2 Days!

Footy Joke

Sir Alex is queuing in his local building society, when a gunman bursts in through the door demanding money. Ferguson attempts to tackle the raider, but gets knocked over...as he falls, his head smashes the counter and Sir Alex is out cold. The robber escapes and the cashier tries to revive Ferguson. After a few minutes he comes round and looks bewildered. His first words are "Where the hell am I?". The Cashier replies: "don't worry, its ok, you're in the Nationwide." Ferguson replies, "F**k me, is it May already?"

I like using Latin phrases when speaking in English and vice versa.

A friend of mine was telling me loads of shit puns about rowing. They were absolutely oarful

This new sundial I bought is useless.

It doesn't say whether it's AM or PM.

Have you heard the news that Chelsea FC are getting a new sponsor? It is going to be Viagra, It's the only way they can get past a semi.

Re: Bank Jokes

A City trader has said the Credit Crunch is worse than a divorce.

He has lost half his net worth and STILL has a wife.