Jokes

The teacher was asking here students "How many letters are in the alphabet?". A student said "18". The teacher said "Why 18?" The student said "Because ET left in a UFO and was chased by the CIA".

A policeman stops a drunk driver and gives him a breathalyser test. "I'm sorry sir" says the policeman, "but this bag tells me you've been drinking too much." The driver replies "what a coincidence.. I've got a bag at home that tells me the same thing"

The best thing about that hand gel they use in hospitals nowadays isn't the hygiene,

but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan!

An 80 year old man goes to the doctor for his annual physical. After listening to the man's chest, the doctor says "you have a heart murmur. Do you smoke?" "No" says the old man. "Do you drink to excess?" asks the doctor. "No" replies the old man. "Do you have a sex life?" asks the doctor. "Yes I do!" replies the man. "Well" says the doctor, "I'm afraid you'll have to cut your activity by half." "What half?" asks the old man, "the looking or the thinking?"

I went to my local video store and asked for Batman Forever, they said I can only have it for 2 nights

Blonde Cops

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

The founder of Ceefax has died at 85. His tombstone will reveal his life. Except during storms when it will say .FNEI%& Oq£5UP4UGA I$$DF9D%

Tom is driving round in his Rolls Royce, when he sees his friend Harry. He pulls over to say hello. "How did you get the car?" asks Harry. "Well", Tom replied "I was walking down the street when a gorgeous woman pulled up in this car and offered me a ride. I got in and she asked me to kiss her so I did. Then she parked up in a lane and took off all her clothes except for her silk knickers. Then she lay back in her seat and said "take anything you want from me..." "Wow" says Harry, "what did you do then?" "Well", replies Tom, "I could see her underwear would never fit me, so I took the car"

An oldie but one of my fave jokes.

A travelling salesman knocks on the door of a large house in a wealthy neighbourhood.
A young teenage boy opens the door. He is wearing a silk dressing gown. On his right arm he has a stunning girl dressed in bra and suspenders, in his left hand he has a malt whiskey in a crystal glass and in his mouth he has a fine cuban cigar.
The Salesman says, 'Hi son, are either of your parents at home?'
The boy pauses to take the cigar from his mouth, blows a smoke ring and replies....
"Does it fucking well look like it!"

The inventor of the remote control has died at the age of 96.

Have they tried turning his batteries around and banging him on the coffee table???