Jokes

I bumped into an old school friend today & he started bragging about his well paid job & expensive sports car.Then he showed me a photo of his wife & said "She beautiful isn't she ?" I said "If you think she's gorgeous you should see my girlfriend" He said "Why ? Is she a stunner ?" I said "No she's an optician"

Hell of a Game

A man goes golfing with his Friend, John. He arrives home several hours late.

His wife asks,'What took you so long?'

He replies,'Oh, honey, it was a horrible afternoon! On the third hole, John had a heart attack and died on the spot!'

She says,'Oh, darling! It must have been awful for you!'

The husband replies, 'It was hell! Fifteen holes of 'hit the ball, drag John, hit the ball, drag John...'

My wife was talking to me for about 5 minutes,& then said "You wont tell anyone will you ?" "Your secrets safe with me" I replied. "You sure" she said. "Yes" I said "because I wasn't fucking listening"

The Helpful Wife

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

I almost talked my way out of a speeding fine today by telling the policewoman she was bloody gorgeous.But things turned a bit sour when I added "and that's not the drink talking"

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said:" I should be in charge,because I run all the body's systems,so without me nothing would happen."
"i should be in charge" said the heart,"because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body,so without me you'd waste away."
"I should be in charge" the stomach said"because I process food and give you all energy."
"I should be in charge" the rectum said,"because I'm responsible for all the waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him,so in a huff he shut down tight.
Within a few days,the brain had a terrible headache,the stomach was bloated and the blood was toxic.
Eventually the organs gave in,they all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge.....Just a Arsehole!

An American man dragging his left foot behind him is seen making his way down a train platform, 50 yards coming towards him is an Irish man dragging his right foot. As they meet the American points to his leg and says: 'Vietnam back in 69'. The Irish man points to his leg and says: 'dog shit 20 yards back'.

The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" so he replies "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir.", interviewer continues, "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" he replies "My country, sir." The interviewer looks at the man, "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."

The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."

The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!", to which the guy replies, "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"

DUI

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

I recently joined the fitness club at the gym.So far I've lost 90 pounds.But no weight.