Jokes

Q:what do you call a rabbit with a bent cock?
A:Fucks Funny

Three people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the Vets waiting room. The first man's dog asked the second man's dog what he's there for. They are putting me down. Oh no, says the first dog, why? The second dog says, "Well, you see... I've been chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I'm going to be put to sleep. The second dog says, "Well, my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn't like it because my scent wasn't anywhere, anymore. So, when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also.

The third dog said, "This is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time without her clothes. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it to her good!" The other dogs say, " so' that's why they are putting you to sleep?" No says the dog, "She is bringing me here to get my toenails clipped!"

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of viagra.
The doctor said,"That's no problem,how many do you want?"
The elderly man answered,"Just a few,maybe 4,but can you cut each one into 4 pieces."
The doctor said,"That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said,"That's all right,I don't need them for sex anymore as I'm 90 years old.""I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my shoes."

Near Death

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it.

God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.

She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance.

She arrives in front of God and complains: "I thought you said I had another 30 years!!

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs? A clit around the ear and a flap across the face.

ui went to the doctors suffering from premature ejaculation. He said it must be very stressful for your wife. I said to be perfectly honest it's getting on her tits.

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

The government has advised us to be careful that we are not being sold fake tickets for the olympics. just checked mine for the men's wheelchair tripple high jump and they seem genuine enough!

If you ever buy a large screen TV,remember to put the box in your neighbours bin so they get robbed.

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.

The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."