Jokes

At The Porn Shop

A blonde walks into a porno shop:

She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "35 bucks"
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"

He: "35 bucks"
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm... I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"

He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm... .how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo... it'll cost you $165."
She: She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"

To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

I said to the pet shnp owner "I want a tall stand for my parrot,but I don't have much money.Can I get one & pay it off" he replied "We don't do higher perches"

My wife gave me a blow job this morning, and it was the first time she'd done it in ages.

I was so surprised and confused that I ended up giving her money after it.

ANGB ..... ?

Bang out of order

I went to the electrical shop today and said, "This strobe light you sold me doesn't work properly."

The assistant replied, "Have you tried switching it off and on?"

My girlfriend was looking through some holiday brochures & asked me "What would you say to a little cruise, darling?"

"I'd probably say 'Keep your bent Scientologist hands to yourself, shortarse'" I replied.

Mother of Six

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts
Calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready,
Father of Four."

A man dressed as an egg has tried to gain entry to tonight's Euro Final.

He was quickly whisked away by security.

Why couldn't Ashley Cole score?

Because the Italian goalkeeper wasn't a stupid Geordie slut.

Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?". Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says

"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"