Jokes

I was standing in the street, smoking a fag when a North American Indian girl started chatting me up.

Turned out I was giving off signals.

talking about urine is a piece of piss

they called it PMS because 'mad cow disease' was already taken

would JUBILEE-ve it's been 60 years for the queen
(i know it's a bit late, i've had internet problems recently)

Q:What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A:Oral sex makes your day, Anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q:What's the definition of love,true love and showing off?
A:Spitting,Swallowing and Gargling.

Q:Why don't blind men skydive?
A:Because it scares the shit out of the dog.

Escape II

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all escape from prison. They hear the cops coming so they each climb a tree.
The cops come and shine flashlights in the trees.
They shine a light on the tree with the brunette and she goes "whoo whoo" like an owl.
They shine the light in the redhead's tree, she goes "Tweet Tweet" like a bird.
They shine the light on the blonde’s tree......"Moooooo"

An old man and old lady are getting ready for bed one night,when all of a sudden the old lady burst out of the bathroom,flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy."
The old man says "I'll have the soup."

This guy is banging this girl,when all a sudden she stops and says "You haven't got aids have you?"
"No" he replied.
"Oh thank fuck for that," she said,"I don't want to catch that again."

Need Help Falling Of A Bridge?

One day, a blond and a brunette decided to have a race to see who can make it to the bottom of the cliff first. The cliff was just straight down. All they had to do was jump and wait to land.

Guess who won.

The brunette.

WHY???

Because the blond had to stop for directions.

Teacher:"Johnny,can you name three great kings who have brought happiness and peace into peoples lives."
Little Johnny:"Drink-King,Smoke-King,Fuck-King

One day, a little boy wrote to santa clause "Please can you send me a sister?"
Santa clause wrote back "OK,send me your mother."

Q:What does the mafia and pussy have in common?
A:One slip of the tongue,and your in deep shit.

Q:How do you get a nun pregnant?
A:Dress her up as a altar boy.

THE LIFE OF A PENIS - Hangs around with 2 nuts all the time,next door neighbour's a real arsehole.Has a head he can't think with & an eye he can't see out of.His best friend's a pussy & everytime he gets excited he throws up.Worst of all his owner beats him.